Talk to Your Family

Tips for talking to your family about long-term care.

From a practical standpoint, we all know that talking about long-term care before the need arises makes sense. Yet, more often than not, parents, children, spouses, and partners put off talking about it. Or, even worse, we remain silent hoping that things will “work themselves out.”

Sound familiar?

Talking about aging, finances, and health can be uncomfortable and awkward—they’re extremely personal and complex topics. But putting a plan in place before a crisis occurs can help ensure your long-term care choices are known, understood, and fulfilled. And that plan begins by having honest conversations with those closest to you. Otherwise, you risk having important decisions made for you at a time when emotions are high, the choices are confusing, and there’s little time to carefully consider all the factors—or weigh their implications.

Determine what’s important to you.

This is one of those rare times when it really is all about you. So before you do anything else, take the time to carefully consider and think about the following questions.1 If possible, have your spouse or partner do the same. When you’re ready, compare your answers. You may be surprised by how much—or how little—your answers differ. And that’s okay. Finding out where you agree or disagree will help guide future decisions and planning.

How will you pay for your long-term care expenses?

  1. Have you accumulated enough savings and resources to pay for your long-term care? Are you comfortable with the impact this may have on your ability to leave an inheritance for your family or provide for them in other ways?
  2. Would you sell your home to pay for care?
  3. If needed, could your children help pay for your long-term care expenses? Would you want them to? Have you talked with them about this?
  4. Are you counting on Medicaid? Are you able and willing to meet the eligibility requirements, which may require “spending down” your savings and other financial resources?

How will you maintain control of your finances?

  1. Are you comfortable letting someone else take control of your finances? Who would you ask to do this?
  2. How important is having peace of mind, knowing you’ve planned in advance for your financial needs?
  3. Would you consider designating a financial power of attorney to manage your finances the way you want?

Who will take care of you?

  1. Is staying at home for as long as possible important to you? If so, would you be comfortable with in-home assistance?
  2. Do you expect friends, children, or other relatives to help take care of you in your home?
  3. Would you move in with one of your children or another relative? Have you discussed this with them?
  4. Do you consider living in an assisted living facility or nursing home an option?

Start talking and planning.

Now that you have a better idea of what you want, talk about long-term care with your children, family, or others close to you. What you discuss and with whom are entirely up to you. The important thing is to have the conversation. Once you start, you may find that everyone is incredibly relieved and grateful for the chance to talk about it.

How to start the conversation.

  • Be clear about why discussing the issue is important to you.
  • Be prepared. Make sure you’ve thought through key issues.
  • Remember that listening is also part of communication. Recognize that family members will have feelings and opinions that may differ from yours.
  • Look for natural opportunities to talk. Use other people’s circumstances to start a discussion with your family. Ask, “What would you have done if you were in that situation?”
  • Open the conversation with some of your concerns about the long-term care decisions you’re facing.
  • Don’t try to tackle too many issues at once. It may be easier to have a series of conversations over time.

Your discussions can provide the foundation as you start creating your long-term care plan. If you find your family is not comfortable talking about your long-term care needs, acknowledge their feelings, share your reasons for concern, and perhaps try again at a later time.

It is important, however, to start building your plan now, even if that means doing so without the input and assistance of your loved ones. Remember, it’s your future. Take control of it.

1 Questions based on content developed by Marlene S. Stum, Ph.D., Financial Security in Later Life National Initiative Development Team Member from Family Social Science, University of Minnesota. Copyright 2002 University of Minnesota Regents. Materials may be copied for educational purposes only.

Talking to your family about your future long-term care needs may seem difficult at first. But, you’ll feel better knowing you’re all on the same page—and so will they.